It seems like every day I resolve to do something new or better… tomorrow. I’ll try to get rid of a bad habit or start a good one. But all too often I fall on my face and I don’t accomplish what I set out to do. I know this is something that most people do and feel regularly. My way of avoidance has always been through my work. I throw myself into my work when I don’t want to do something, or I use my work as an excuse not to do something. I say, I’ll do it tomorrow, then tomorrow comes, and I play on my phone half the morning avoiding said thing, then I say, “op, well I have to go do work, it’ll just have to wait until tomorrow… again…” I do this with so many things in my life, from getting more exercise to dealing with mental health issues. I’m actually doing it right now in this writing, as I beat around the bush as to what I want to say about a particular topic that I want and need to address and work on… I type and I type, then I stop and look at the screen, I sigh, it’s as if I don’t want to write down what I need to write down, or as if I don’t want to say it because if I say it, it will be that much more real, and harder to deal with… So why not just avoid it… lord knows I want to, and I know that I don’t want to post this publicly. But perhaps I need to.
I know that many of you are going through similar struggles. I know that many of you avoid these topics like I do. I do know that it’s better facing these issues together rather than alone, so why do we bottle them up and try to avoid them… If you haven’t already guessed, I’m talking about depression. I am depressed as fuck right now. I know that it may not seem like it with my Facebook posts of me gallivanting across the globe, but the fact of the matter is you cannot run from depression, just as you can’t run and hide from any major problem that comes from within. In fact, me being on the other side of the world, away from my support network sometimes makes things a thousand times worse, because not only am I depressed, but I’m also lonely as fuck. There are days where the only people I talk to are wait staff at bars or restaurants I visit as I travel.
While I’m a very gregarious person who often has no trouble in meeting new people and making new friends, it’s hard to meet people when you feel so shitty; When you feel like an unlovable loser. I know I know, so many of you are saying, “you’re not unlovable, you’re not a loser, look at all your friends, look at all the things you have done.” I know, believe me, I know… I’m so happy to have so many wonderful, caring, and generous friends, colleagues, and family. You’re all wonderful, and if you have made it this far through this tedious rant, then you are extra special! Thank you! But unfortunately, that doesn’t change how I feel.
I have all too often put my work first in so many situations, especially in love and relationships, which I deeply regret for so many reasons. And what has that gotten me, besides the loneliness, not a damn thing. My career isn’t better off, hell I can’t even find a job. I’ve put so many eggs into the academic basket that it’s hard to try and start over, and it has cost me so damn much, as I feel like I have sacrificed a shit ton to get to where I am, all for not… I keep telling myself that once I get a job, I can do this, or I can do that, I can find love, I can do more activism, because all the damn time, energy and money I spend on trying to get a job can be put to better use. But that’s only one part of all this depression.
The other thing is this fucking world we live in… Are you fucking kidding me? Donald Fucking Trump? The guy is the fascist idiot son of an asshole. How the fuck did anyone think it was a good idea to elect this piece of shit? He’s a moron. I thought GW Bush was bad, but holy shit we have hit rock bottom. The worst part is there are still people who are supporting him. Sure, I get wanting to get an outsider because you’re sick of the party politics that get us nowhere. I truly do get it, and I will partially excuse folks who voted for him, but at this point if you still support him then there truly is something wrong with you, which is partially tied to how fucking mean and uncaring of one another we have all become. So many of us have become vindictive assholes who have forgotten what human decency is. There are a million different reasons and directions that I could go from here as to why… Capitalism, definitely… neoliberalism, for sure… technology, sometimes… racism, sexism, homophobia, of course… No matter what the cause, I think we all need to be a little more humble, shut the fuck up and listen a little more, empathize, and try to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes from time to time. And for god’s sake read more fucking books and travel more!
Sorry, I’ve gotten off topic and started to rant a bit too much… depression… yes, the world has me depressed, our politics has me depressed, these bullshit wars that we continue to fight has me depressed, I’m fat that has me depressed, I’m chronically single that has me depressed, there is a ton of shit in this world both internally and externally that has me depressed. BUT, I don’t necessarily want that depression to go away completely. I don’t want to be some self-absorbed happy go lucky asshole with my head in the clouds. Sometimes I need those feelings, I need that pain, and I need that anger. It makes me more creative at times. It helps drive me, especially in my work and activism. Which is why I throw myself into my work when I’m depressed. Sometimes it’s an act of avoidance, sometimes it’s an act of trying to make things right in the world… sometimes it’s healthy, sometimes it’s not. I’m constantly trying to find that balance, and it’s not easy. Because while there are times when I think that it all means something, that perhaps I’m making a difference, there are also those times when I think that it’s all pointless and I’d be better off dead… no I am not suicidal right now, but these thoughts do happen, I don’t know how often they do for others, but I bet it’s more frequently than we would like to admit. I think that we need to talk about these feelings more, and that we shouldn’t make them so taboo. I don’t think suicide is a sin, nor do I condemn those who chose that path. I am sad, very sad, especially when it’s a path taken by a loved one. We all start to think, was there more I could have done, was there more I could have said, was I a good enough friend… just know it is never your fault. That person was in a lot of pain, and now, they’re not. We’re in pain, but they are not. All to say, that we need to talk more about these things so that people won’t be afraid to say, “hey, I’m feeling worthless right now, I think I would be better off dead,” without people freaking out and further isolating that person. But instead, we avoid the hard conversations.
This brings me full circle. We avoid the conversation. We avoid doing what is good for us. We avoid doing what we know we need to do. We have many coping mechanisms that sustain this avoidance: drugs, alcohol, TV, Facebook, our phones, work, travel, the list goes on and on… One thing that I think helps, is human connection. Talking with one another. Hell, talking to a therapist or councilor. Talk to someone, or even write someone. And sometimes writing it down can be just as therapeutic as well, which is what I’m doing here… trying to write it down… I’m sort of talking with myself in a way. Trying to sort it all out for now. At the beginning of this I was feeling a bit out of sorts, and I do feel better now. See it works, for now! Anyways, thank you for reading this. Again, this is not a cry for help… just some ramblings and sorting out some depression that I have been feeling lately. Peace and love!
Ben